The Essential Translation Guide to Online Dating Profiles

A profile gives us a chance to mold our image. We can create ourselves in the ideal. All our pictures are fabulous, we are well read, we are intellectual, we have lots of fun and are oh-so popular. We are polite and caring. We are the perfect date.

However, when you're browsing an online profile, you don't want to fall for some over-the-top personna on an impossible to maintain pedestal. That is why, after much strenouous research and top-secret scientific processes, I have developed The Essential Translation Guide to Online Dating Profiles.

Looks

He says he's 5'10. What he really means is he's more like 5'8. A short guy will give himself a few extra inches and hope either a) you won't notice or b) you won't care if you ever meet in person. If he's actually 5'10 he'd probably bump it up to 5'11 or even 6'.

She says she has a few extra pounds. Sure, she's a few extra pounds if a few means 20. If someone's actually a few pounds overweight, they're going to put "average" under body type. Interestingly enough they are probably less-than-average, according to Stats Can, which reports the average Canadian woman to be 5'3 and 152 pounds. That's a Body Mass Index of 26.9, with 25 being overweight. "Athletic" either means I'm butch or I don't have a super model body but I play a lot of sports. "Skinny" or "Slim" is probably the most accurate category.

He or she says a picture is available upon request. Okay not to be shallow but you should probably turn tail and run! If someone is unwilling to post a picture it is probably either because they are so horrifically ugly that there only chance is to make you fall so in love with their personality that you'd be willing to wear a blindfold the rest of your life, or they are an escaped convict.

He has shirtless pictures or she's in her bikini. This person is either incredibly vain or incredibly insecure. Either way, they are only suitable for someone too dense to get annoyed by it, or someone just looking to get laid.

About Me

Occupation: Prefer not to disclose. I'm a janitor, work at McDonalds, or some other profession that won't get me laid.

She's looking for a man who can handle/keep up with her. She's a drama queen bitch. Only suitable for the biggest of pushovers.

He or she is easy going or laid back. This person is too lazy to care. Or stoned.

She is looking to have fun. She's a sl*t. If you want some action, message her. Use protection.

He says he is looking for a nice girl. He's had trouble with the ladies in the past. They are mean to him. He was probably the nerd in highschool.

He says he enjoys "guys nights". This guy gets drunk with his buddies ALL. THE. TIME. They probably play Centurion and burp out the Hockey Night in Canada theme song.

Looking for
Long term dating. This person has wedding bells ringing in their ears. They probably don't put out till after marriage either.

Short term dating. This person wants to see who is out there. They are more looking to meet people than to find a relationship, but probably aren't opposed to the idea.

Casual dating. I want to get laid, but by the kind of person who would be turned off if I put casual encounters/sex partners.

Casual encounters/Sex partners. I want to get laid and I don't care by who. Please just fuck me.

Friends. Now here's an interesting one. It could be true, but not likely. If it is the person either can't make friends in the real world or is new in town. It could also be a round-about way of saying sex. Or, especially if it's a guy, that person is in the closet.



Watch this video by Love U for an entertaining take on profile translation, and to really see what you might be getting yourself into.

Wanted: Sexxi grl 4 gud timz

In the previous post, "Everybody's Doing it," I mentioned some reasons that online dating sites might be growing so rapidly. One of these was that some of the stigma surrounding online dating was dissipating, that it wasn't just for "weirdos" anymore.

While I am sure that there are many nice people with great dating potential on these sites, I have yet to find one.

Surely not all of Online Dating Magazine's estimated 20 million daters can be undatable. Unfortunately, the magazine fails to say where these daters are. Are they worldwide? Are they just in America or North America? Who knows. Does it matter? Locally there are still hundreds of matches to choose from. I've had contact with several of them.

The majority of user messages are the typical "Hey Baby, wanna meet up some time? *wink wink*" sort. They don't understand the different between online dating and a sex partner resource guide. While they probably don't make up the actual majority of users, the frequency of their messages could lead you to think they do.

These users are easily spotted. And don't think just because you're on a nice, regulated pay site that you are safe. Please note the following user profile from ChristianMingle:

"im a handsum young meh n really attractive n looking for a sexi woman"

The second most common type of message is along the lines of "Hi, I looked at your profile. You look nice. I like x, y and z too. Drop me a message if you want to chat sometime :-)" These are okay and you know they bothered to take the time time to at least read your profile. However, they send out several of these sorts of messages. They are the trollers. Yes, they are looking for a date and they are going to cast a wide net (haha to anyone in co-op). You probably won't have a lot of luck making meaningful conversation with the trollers.

Then there are the truly interesting messages. These people are nice, full of personality, and seem to be actually interested in what you have to say. They share your interests. Talking to them is easy. Long messages are exhanged back and forth.

Then comes the "and this one time my depression was so bad that I took a knife and..." Okay whoa. Stop right there. I'm not saying that people with depression are pariahas and don't deserve love just like the rest of us, but it's not something I feel equipped to deal with. I'm not a patient person, and sometimes I can be a less than understanding person, and I know it. I'm unstable enough myself as it is; I need someone stable!

There are various other reasons that potential matches are deemed undatable. An innability to spell, for example. An attempt to convert me to their religion. The fact they hate animals. A disrespect for any of the things I am passionate about. An obessesion with D&D or anime. Maybe these things don't make the person weird, per se, but they make them incompatible with me. Hence why I can't find any suitable candidates.

The ones I do actually like always seem to drift off after a while. They probably think people who online date are weird too.

I don't get it, because I know people who online date who I consider to be perfectly datable, yet all I manage to draw in are people who are so far off from what I am looking for, or are clearly perverts.

Here is an example of a typical online dater:




Maybe it's because OkCupid is a little quirky. More likely, however, is that it's my profile. So here are a few selections from my profile for your amusement and judgement. Please, please let me know if I am asking for it.

My self-summary

I am a third year UVic student. My coworker is currently telling me I am incredibly motivated and I like to have fun and enjoy long walks on the beach and romantic comedies curled up on the couch. But really, truly I promise I'm not that cliche. And no where near that motivated.

I am charismatic like a car crash you can't look away from.

I take English and Writing and I loooove Chaucer and John Donne. Call me nerdy, I don't care. Better a lit nerd than an anime geek.

I love the ocean. I kind of want to marry it. I have a longstanding arguement with a friend of mine over whether or not the ocean is male or female, but I'd marry it regardless.

Oh, and I have verbal, or written in this case, diarhhea. Yes, I am still talking. No, I probably shouldn't be.

I'm really good at

Telling you what to do. Seriously, listen to me. I also think I'm pretty good at typing. And tickling. And falling asleep in class. I apparently also make a good kitten chair, as my kitty regularily sits on my back when I'm lying down.

You should message me if

You haven't yet been turned off by the previous information or if Chaucer gives you a boner.

Or, this might be even more important, if you like tea. Especially Earl Grey. Not Chai.

"Everybody's doing it"

"Guess who messaged me on PoF (Plenty of Fish)," my friend Jordan IM'd me.

"Who," I said, not wanting to play the guessing game. I couldn't think of any single guys we both knew.

She sent me a link. I clicked on it and was brought to the dating profile of our Residence Advisor from first year. Awkward. He'd been notorious for his ...dalliances... with the ladies. We even knew his sex song: Dani California by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I never thought he'd need an online dating site. But it made me curious - who IS on these sites? I typed in some quick search parametres: lives in Victoria, 20-24, attends university.

One of the first search results was my old roommate. Then a friend of a friend I recognized from several parties. Another friend of mine who was SO shy that it was quite the shock to find her putting herself out there in a dating environment.

On OKCupid I've wandered across a friend of mine, his girlfriend, one of my coworkers, and even got creeped by my ex-roommate, which was slightly disconcerting.

All this has led me to one conclusion. Everybody's doing it. (Well not everybody obviously but pretty damn close. You know what I mean). And here I thought I was the only one...

In 2007, in fact, Online Dating Magazine estimated that 20 million people visit at least one dating site once a month.

Plenty of Fish is one of the few free sites to rank with the paid sites on a numbers basis in North America. Markus Frind, the owner/creator/designer/everything man of PoF only keeps track of his active users, which amounted to anywhere between 250,000 and 320,000 user log-ins per day in 2006. PoF's September active user base in 2006 grew 290 per cent from September 2005.

I can only imagine these numbers have increased over the past few years. Most of the people I've run into on dating sites weren't there two years ago.

Which leaves the question: Why have all these people made the recent leap into cyber romance? I see a few possibilities. Maybe, in this digital world, making a cyber connection is faster and easier than one in the "real world." Or perhaps once one person signs up, ten of their friends who previously thought cyber dating was "weird" or "only for pimply-faced basement WoW losers" realize that maybe it's okay after all. Or, finally, is it possible that maybe these sites are just that succesful?

Online Dating Magazine would have you thinking the latter. They touted that more than 120,000 marriages a year are a result of online dating. PoF estimates that its users will go on more than 18 million dates with other users this year. With nearly one million users, that's roughly 18 dates a year per user.

But wait, is 18 dates really a success? If that's 18 first dates I' m going to have to go with no. That would suggest matching is very unsuccesful. 120,000 marriages out of 20 milion users is less than one per cent.

The problem is, you see, you still have to do the weeding. Sure, his profile looks great, he's fun to talk to, but in the end it all comes down to whether or not you click in person. And that means a lot of first dates. Online dating definately gives you wider access to potential love partners in your area, but it doesn't increase your likelihood of clicking with an individual person.

I'm not saying don't give it a try. It's fun to do, there are lots of interesting people, and we've all heard those success stories. I'm just saying that, while you can probably expect to go on more dates once you join the cyber world, finding Mr. or Miss. Right can't be left up to a mathematical matching system or a 500 word profile.

I'm not cut out for this

It's true. I managed to find an excuse not to go on my date Tuesday. I went the next day.

I haven't yet been able to write about it due to unbearable feelings of guilt and awkwardness, but I'm going to suck it up now. Please be kind with me, gentle reader.

I'll start at the beginning. We agreed to meet Wednesday afternoon. I didn't have class beforehand, so I chose a coffee shop as our point of rendez-vous so I could read my book while I waited. Unfortunately, he couldn't find the coffee shop (luckily we'd exchanged numbers) so we ended up meeting randomly in the middle of the sidewalk. Great. I recognized him right away from his photos. It was weird - like a character from a novel come to life. He hugged me - I reciprocated awkwardly. I didn't know him afterall.

We were late, so we went straight to the museum which was the actual destination of our date. It closed in half an hour. He paid which, as sweet as the gesture was, made me even more uncomfortable. It made me wonder where he saw this going.

I don't really know what I was expecting, maybe not anything. But what I got was awkwardness. Not even a visible awkwardness...I'm pretty sure I was the only one feeling it. He was nice, chatty; he basically did everything that should have kept it from being awkward. But the awkwardness was still there. I didn't know him, had never met him, and was in a situation with expectations. I guess that's the purpose of a dating site, but it's really not my preferred way of doing things. It all felt too strange. I couldn't even look at the poor guy directly.

Anyways, we got through the museum before closing. I actually don't remember much now, I was moving fast, trying to stay ahead of any "date-esque" moments. Afterwards, he didn't have to go back for a while, so we wandered a bit. There was nothing wrong with him, with the activities, but I couldn't handle it. I didn't know what I was doing, what I had gotten myself into, so I did it. I did the fake "I need you text."

I had a test the next day, and had discussed the possibility of studying with a friend of mine. It was around 5 so I texted her to see if she wanted to study, hoping she would. Unfortunately, she already had. But, I lied (and I feel the need to point out here I am a terrible liar and hate doing it with a passion). I said I had to meet her at 6 to, wait for it, study GRAMMAR. It was true, the grammar part. So we walked to the bus stop. He asked if I wanted to stop for ice cream; I said I was cold. That was also true.

When we got to the bus stop, both our buses were there ready to leave so we ran to catch them, shouting goodbyes.

I have never felt more guilty in my life. Probably unjustifiably so, but I did.

He recently has asked me what I am doing on various days. I guess he thought it went well. And, truthfully, there is no reason it shouldn't have. We just didn't click. It was too strange for me, bringing an internet friend to life.

I'm hoping that this isn't going to be an across the board problem, and that if I do continue going on "dates" that it will be possible to click with someone if they're a good fit. Only time will tell and, until then, I'm stuck with these feelings of guilty awkwardness. Greeaaat.

"It's just a date"

Sooo, remember a couple posts back when I said that one of my "matches" wanted to meet me for coffee?

Yup, stilllll haven't done it. We are supposed to meet this Tuesday. I'm sure I'll find an excuse not to. And the weird part is, it's not because I'm worried about him.

He's nice. He's cute. He really wants to meet up. He even sings to me over msn. He has a lot of the same interests I do, especially academically.

I'm terrified.

I'm terrified that, once we meet in person, he won't like me. I'm terrified that he'll have all these expectations after reading my profile. I'm terrified I'll disapoint.

I really like talking to him. He really likes talking to me. But that's online. People are different online whether they intend to be or not, because it's a reflection. It's a translation. It's a mutation. Sometimes people come across worse, and meeting them is a delightful surprise. More often than not, however, that gorgeous interesting person from the internet is rather plain and awkward in real life.

I'm terrified of awkwardness. I'm terrified by how much he enjoys talking to me. He's building me up in his mind. I don't want to be built up. I don't want to have to live up to someone's idealization.

I was relaying my fears to my best friend and she told me to relax.

"It's just a date," she said.

Just a date. I hadn't thought about it before, but I don't think I've actually GONE on a date-date before. My last boyfriend took me on dates, but we were already going out, so that doesn't really count. I've never had that first date experience, where you're just getting to know someone. Where you're nervous and excited.

I'm terrified by "just a date."

I'm terrified by the fact I actually want to go. I'm terrified by the fact I might actually like someone I met online. It wasn't really supposed to happen. I wasn't really supposed to care.

But he's nice. We get along. He's not one of those pervs whose conversations you read with a mix of disbelief and stifled giggles.

I'll probably do it eventually. I'll probably go. I don't want to, but I will. Partly for you, and partly for me. Mostly for me, because I need to stop being such a wuss.

But, what do I wear?

I attract la creme de la creme

Okay guys,

What started off as a seemingly innocent message quickly turned into something much more sinister. This guy amazed me with his lack of ability to read signals, so please forgive me if I did toy with him in places.

His first message:

So I don't really know what to write in here but here it goes. I'm from SW Ontario, and recently arrived here to Vic, and I study law here at UVic. Probably going to wind up being a lawyer when I graduate, but I definitely won't become one of those lawyers with the big salaries and no time. Work/Life balance is important to me. Main reason I got into law is so I can make a decent income and not have to worry about long hours of work. I'm busy with school, but have enough time to have a good balance and quite a bit of fun in my life. Since you were a student I assume we have similar lifestyles and responsibilities so its probably not a bad place to start. Hope to hear back.

A

Sounds nice, right? He's not very attractive but his profile reads well and I decide not to be shallow. So I reply:

Hey,

So do you always message people you're a 37% match with lol? I can't decide how much value to put in these match percentages...what are your opinions on that?

His answer seems innocent enough:

On my side good percentage points are a good thing, and bad percentage points don't really mean anything. I don't take any tests unless I have to, which is why i scored low and don't have any awards.

As for me, I read your profile, saw your awards, and your interests, and figured we have much in common.

How does that sound to you?

Until you read between the lines:

Lol I know what my awards say and that they do tend to attract attention...what exactly did you find we had in common?

(OkCupid has given me the honour of a "More Kinky" and a "More Desiring of Sex" award, as you will see).
He cuts to the chase pretty quick:

We're both cat owners, students, laid back and easy going. I like kink, sex, and as a whole easy going about both of those subject matters which is what brought you to my attention.

Okay so maybe I lead him on a titch here, but I couldn't resist asking:

Haha you like sex?? Yup we have that in common, along with a good hunk of the population :P

Yes I love my kitten. :-) She's fantastic. I'm not sure if I'm always laid back though....

What sort of "kink" do you like?

He really doesn't mince words:

I like adventure in the bedroom, in a sense somebody that is open to trying different things if only once (as long as they are comfortable of course). I'm a big fan of toys, dressing up, and different entry points. Haven't tried bondage but keen to do that some time. What about you?

My oh my. Pft, that's not even that kinky but whatever. Toys aren't kinky - they're toys. And different entry points....if that means what I think it does....isn't "kinky" either. But whatever.

Now you get to learn something about me. I considered editing it out but that's not fair when I'm baring his kinks now is it. Actually...it is slightly edited to preserve someone's privacy who is not me and not my messenger. But don't worry, nothing about me is hidden from you, oh loyal readers.

Shh don't tell:

Oh I'm not actually that exciting. OkCupid just thinks I am. I have toys but that's only because of my job. I like biting. And hair tugging. Maybe slapping if we're really into it.

I didn't really think any of that said specifically, "I want to have sex with you." I mean, I told him I'm not exciting!
But he still is interested for some reason:
Ahh that is pretty cool. Biting, hair tugging, and slapping is pretty feisty if you ask me. For me that isn't really too kinky, more of a feisty raw animal hunger - still pretty sexy.

BTW do you have your IM turned on? We could chat for a bit.

I don't WANT to chat:

My IM is kind of fail. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I'm not really sure why.

But I am going to bed as soon as my cookies are done anyways :P

Actually, my chat just won't let people matched under 60 per cent IM me. But I didn't want to tell him that. Then he might want me to change it. Or IM him.

I thought telling him I was going to bed was a pretty good hint. I guess I shouldn't have used the :P face, but I felt really harsh otherwise. Telling him my IM doesn't work should have been a hint too...

He doesn't seem to get the message:

OK good to know about the IM, thanks.

So out of curiosity do you have multiple partners at the same time, or are you a one partner at a time type of person?

Omg WTF. Do you usually ask that of someone you just started talking to that night?

This is about the point I started to humour him:

Depends what you mean by partner. Relationship wise, just one.

I wonder what he's getting at:
LOL I'm referring to an intimate partner here. Do you like meeting new partners or do you usually settle with the same people from a circle of friends.

I answer straight up:

Ive been sleeping with the same person for quite a while, but during that time I've slept with another boy and two other girls.

He just keeps getting better:

OH OK. Are your interactions with the other people seperate from your partner or do they occur at the same time (ie threesome). As for me I have done a bunch of 3somes with a former

Okay this definately doesn't encourage, right:

Um, once or twice was with him involved... I dont really like threesomes tho.

Have you noticed he sounds like he's talking about the weather:

Thats what i was asking. Though i have had a few 3somes, my partner and I favored that we both just have it independently of one another. I find that it is less stressful when its only 2 people rather than having a 3rd person that could just be sitting there watching, and you start concerning yourself with what they are thinking. Is that how you feel?

And I answer contrary to him again:

No I just feel it works better one on one. It's more direct, and easier to make a connection. Plus, I dont like to share.

But he still doesn't get it:

This conversation is getting pretty interesting. Have you ever been intimate with somebody online? I've done it before 2x with the same person.

I probably should have been more upfront about the fact I wasn't interested, but I thought going to bed got the message across.

Again, maybe no smiley face would have been good:

No that doesnt realy appeal to me. neither doesthe phone. anyways its my bedtime, work tomorrow :-) nighty night

This is where it gets narsty:

Hmm i suppose you missed my point on that one, i meant meet somebody in person. The phone, computer, all these things don't appeal to me either. Its the real thing i was asking about

And then:

I was wondering are you ever on campus?

I am sorry but WHEN did I give the impression I wanted to meet him???? Just by answering? Yeesh you can't even be polite these days.

I don't learn my lesson, or maybe I am just too amused by him. I really don't want to try and figure out my motivations for responding, because they are probably evil.

Regardless, I did:

Oh, then you probably said intimate with someone you met online. And that would be a no.

And yes of course I am on campus on occasion, I am taking a full course load. Might be kinda hard to do that from home...

He's either clueless or persistent. Note, he didn't even ask if I WANTED to meet him, just if I was free.

Watch:

yeah that was my question, if you've been intimate with anybody you have met online.
I have lunch breaks for 12:30 - 1"30 Wed and Thursdays, areyou free during that time?

This is true:

No lol I dont even have class on Weds! And then Thurs I do ALLL day

You still think he'd stop:

What about Mondays?

Again:

monday schedule is the same as thurs , thats usually how the uni rolls for undergrads

Maybe he gets it? :

Hmm well whatever we shouldn't rush a meeting or something now, we can take care of such issues later. I'm on campus all the time so i am sure we can work something out.

Any interesting weekend plans or anything? BTW do you live at your folks or do you have your own place here in Vic?

We shouldn't rush a meeting...When the fuck did I ever say I wanted one? What did he know about me when he tried to get one? That I had a cat? Awesome. So I guess he's some kind of narcissistic uber chauvanist who just assumes all girls want to meet him. God he's not even attractive. He keeps messaging me, but that's the most interesting of it. It's reallly, really hard to resist the temptation to mess with him when he acts like that though...

It's crunch time

Well, my 28-year-old buddy has dissapeared. Haven't talked to him in several days, his profile picture is gone; he did stalk me yesterday though. In our last conversation, if I recall correctly, I told him I was more interested in meeting women than men. It's not exactly true. Actually, it's kind of opposite from true. But oh well. It seemed appropriate at the time. Maybe that's why he ran away.

My other online buddy, the 19-year-old, wants me to meet him for coffee. I'm too chicken, but I think I need to suck it up. Although, I would rather go to the museum. That way if talking gets awkward I can pretend to be fascinated by the Wooly Mammoths.

I've had some interesting matches lately, but I haven't messaged any of them...I guess I didn't realize my very real fear of rejection would translate so strongly into the virtual world. But ever since this one girl I messaged never replied to me (and it wasn't even anything suggestive! I was just interested by something in her profile) rejection has been haunting me. Silly dating site shouldn't leave it all up to me. It should help me!

So basically, if I grow some balls you may have some fantastic interesting blog posts to read. If I don't then this whole thing has been pretty much pointless. Oh, except for the fact that my roommate is currently out introducing her online friend to our campus. Apparently they could only wait five days before meeting again. Oh the romance...

This is kind of off topic...

Dating sites tend to offer you one, two or three options when it comes to your sexuality. Gay, straight or bisexual. And so, you're probably thinking, what else is there?

Hmm let's think about that. Our society tends to preach tolerance. It tells us we should break down binaries. Feminism attacks the gender binary. Queer theory questions the sexuality binary. The term bisexual reinforces them both. It suggests you like two sexes, pressumably male and female. And while it may seem to provide a middle ground to the hetero-homo binary, it really is just putting them together rather than questioning things.

I was browsing a user's profile the other day who described herself as a pansexual. She said that gender was irrelevant. I find pansexual a much better term than bisexual for people who prefer "both" genders. Because for many people, gender is irrelevant. Pansexual is currently a word in the English language, meaning (according to the OED): That encompasses all kinds of sexuality; not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regards to gender or practice.

That makes sense to me. Although I'm not sure what they mean by practice, because if that's refering to certain kinks people might have, I don't think that should be lumped together with sexuality. But maybe. Who knows. I just don't think bisexual is an adequate word in this society.

But I guess dating sites don't want to add a whole lot more options. It could be complicated. It could mess with their interface, or their matching software. OkCupid is a socially forward site, and seems to break down a lot of traditional assumptions, but when it offers just the choices of male and female when it comes to gender, are they really going as far as they should in helping people find love (which is presumably their goal).

It's strange. They have single and available, and obviously have created a space for polyamorous users. So why is this gender binary still being enforced? Is it because they think that users selecting "other" or "neither" might get less action? Or maybe it's because they don't have the right words to add another category.

Either way, people shouldn't be forced into two gender categories or three sexual orientations. Maybe it should just be a box we can fill out ourselves. Maybe we should be able to decide how we "self-identify" (another term I hate but it gets the point across) instead of being given limited options.

"Feeling Adventurous?"

Okay. I have to share this. I contacted OkCupid with a media request, and in their response they mentioned their sister-site CrazyBlindDate.com. WHICH has no profiles, no photos, just a matching system. THEN you're sent out to a coffee shop, bar, whatever, to try and meet this person, sometimes within the next few hours. Talk about catering to an impatient society. It's only available in a few select cities (mine not included) but I doubt I'd have the balls for that anyways!

At least it's working for somebody

Well, my roommate met a boy online. I guess that was why we signed up for these sites in the first place, so she could meet boys. But still. It's not fair. Although it was really exciting. We convinced her to message him the first day she signed up. She and "Spike", as we affectionately refer to him, had been messaging volumous essays back and forth for a few weeks now. Finally, he suggested they meet up for coffee.

I had plans to go downtown with her anyways, to replace her candle holder that my cat broke, so we decided I would go to the coffee shop a few minutes after just to make sure things were going okay. If it looked like she was safe and comfortable, I'd leave.

Plans were set for 1:30 at the Solstice Cafe, which neither of us had been to before. So she left me to meet up with him, and I walked over about ten minutes later after trying on a cute green dress in one of the boutiques. They were just about to get their drinks when I walked in. I very studiously pretended not to recognize her and avoided eye contact. They sat in the back corner. I was forced to sit directly across from them, only table left. He was cute, cuter than his photos. I was surprised at how unawkward the whole thing seemed! I can't imagine talking to someone I met off the internet with that much ease. So, after I finished my soup and tea (I was cold!) I left them. I wasn't worried.

I arrived home, and an hour passed. She wasn't home yet. Then another hour, then another. We began to worry. How long can coffee take? Then, like four hours or something after I got home, she arrives.

"What the hell were you doing?" I yelled when she came in. Apparently, they'd been in the coffee shop the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME. That's just nuts. That should be like, an OkCupid advertising testimonial or something. Although, she won't speak explicitly on the romantic context of their "date." Makes sense, because did I mention, he has a girlfriend.

Yes, Spike is one of many OkCupid users in open, or polyamourous, relationships. Apparently it's really common. At least on OkCupid. While my roomie and I argue over the definition, here is what I have gathered the majority of the people online define it as:

They seem to have a primary lover. Then, they take secondary lovers that may or may not join their relations with the primary. It's not a polygamous situation where there is a three way relationship. At least not in most of the cases on here, like Spike's. It seems to be quite popular on OkCupid and I'm not sure why. PlentyofFish users seem to be less polyamorous and more, we're a couple looking for a girl to play with us. I'm still undecided how I feel about this. It might be something I have to make a decision on if one of them messages me. It's interesting because OkCupid offers the relationship statuses single and available to accomodate polyamorous people. Is this something that is common that I was just missing? Please, let me know if you've run across this!

Speaking of, did I mention a girl on PlentyofFish wants me to meet her for coffee as a seque into having a threesome with her and her boyfriend? Apparently the experience is more for her, but she wants him to be involved. I told her I'd think about it, because I didn't know what else to say! But I don't quite think that is something I am comfortable with, to say the least. She was very nice and non-perverted about it though.

Conclusion: The online dating world is a much more interesting, or at least openly interesting, place than what I encounter in my day-to-day life. I just need to come to terms with how I'm going to navigate it!

"I hope I don't kick myself in the head falling head over heels"

It might have been good to think of the consequences before getting myself into this whole online dating game. Because, you know, these profiles on my screen actually represent real people. People have feelings.

Then again, I didn't really expect anyone to get those sort of feelings for me. But the internet is a whole different ballgame. While my profile is honest and what I consider true to character, it's still not me. So it's bound to attract different sorts of people in different sorts of ways. (Oh, and if you were wondering I didn't only put up photos where I look way more attractive then real life...just as my main photo :P).

What it boils down to is that, for the first time in my journalistic history, I'm having ethical second thoughts. I basically feel like I'm exploiting these people by talking about them, especially when I don't really have intentions towards anything relationshippy. I mean, I'm open to all sorts of possibilities, don't get me wrong, but I don't know what to do when someone says to me "I hope I don't kick myself in the head falling head over heels." Eep! For one, I couldn't fall for someone over the internet. I'm a real world sort of girl. And for two, I am the last person that it would be a good idea to fall head over heels for! I mean, just don't do it. It's bad news bears. I don't handle myself well in relationships and that's all there is to it. My intentions with this online dating gig were to maybe meet some new people, get to know them, and then see what springs forth...slowly.

I also don't do well with compliments, especially the corny kind. I usually deflect them in some awkward way, such as the following IM conversation:

Him: I think my heart just fluttered. :)

Me: i think its affecting my internet

Me: that seems to be fluttering too

Me: in and out of service!

Did I ever feel like a biiitch. I guess I should have been prepared to handle these scenarios.

On a slightly more humourous note, in case you were worried this entire post was going to be my depressing lamentation on my unethical treatment of humanity, I joined Plenty of Fish just to, you know, compare and contrast (I will have indepth reviews of the different dating sites later, I promise!). It seems there are a lot of couples in Victoria on there that are looking for *ahem* a playmate? I've already been contacted by one actually, and while she hasn't specifically mentioned her boyfriend, it's obvious from her profile what they're looking for. And while she's pretty cute, he's early 30's and so not my type. I was amused though, how many people are looking for this menage-a-trois sort of scenario. It's really not my scene, but power to them. I wonder if I can get around the boyfriend and just meet up with her...they do live together.

That's besides the point. If you're a girl who feels like getting frisky with a couple, go check out plentyoffish.com. There are couples out there in al shapes, sizes and flavours looking for girls like you ;-)

Maybe people in "polyamourous" relationships (there are TONS of those out there) are the best way to go. Because they aren't lonely, and aren't looking to get emotionally attached to you. It's ironicaly simple, considering the complications most people would associate with "polyamourous" long-term relationships. They can deal with the complications. I really would love it if, on my end, things were simple. Good luck, right?

Online dating is NOT a time saver!

Okay wow. So those people who say they online date because they are too busy to meet people? Omg. I feel it is my responsibility to denounce once and for all that misconception. "In-person dating", if you will, usually consists of meeting someone who piques your interest and arranging a date, coffe or what have you. Then, if you hit it off you go on more of these dates, if you don't you probably cease contact with the person. Simple. You can meet potential dates at work, at the gym, heck even at the grocery store, whatever you do throughout your week. It hardly adds any extra time at all, and a date once a week is like what, an hour?

Okay, now lets turn to online dating. Because online dating introduces people through sites specifically designed for that purpose, a lot of the people you meet are "date-hunters." They peruse their matches daily and contact anyone they find interesting or attractive. I assume. So, you're not just meeting the odd potential date that you'd have to see once a week or so, you're being messaged by several people with very direct purposes. Since I started this blog I have recieved 46 messages and had probably 6 IM conversations. My time investment is much higher than it would be for in-person dating. Although I guess the pay-off is my odds have also greatly increased. Anyways, I'll give you a brief recap of the potential dates I have to juggle. There are three who message me on a regular basis:

Nate-You met him last post. Well he's back messaging me now, probably on a daily basis about anything and everything, mostly to do with writing and literature. He's a good, intellectual conversationalist. He's also 28. He's the first of my ongoing communications.

Tom-He's new. Well, sort of. He started messaging me Jan. 14. He has the opposite problem as Nate; he's 19. I feel like a cougar..or cradle robber. He's friendly, outgoing and flirtatious, but we don't really have a lot in common. Still, he's fun to talk to.

Michelle-She just started messaging me yesterday, but they've been long messages. She's the person I've enjoyed talking to the most so far. She's a grammar nerd which is kind of fun. I haven't heard from her yet today, which is sad.

Then of course there are the random messages that make you feel slightly uncomfortable. They're trying, but in an awkward way. I reply, because I'd feel bad if I didn't, but it's usually a short response that doesn't really invite a lot of further conversation. Those communications usually die down pretty fast. Frankly, I don't have time to carry on constant communication with six people.

Anyways, back and forth messaging is about as saucy as it gets at this point in time. I'm sorry! They aren't even sexy messages. They are mostly lit-nerdy messages except with Tom - we talk about soup.

Oh, except for there is this one guy who "woo"ed me, whatever that means. I messaged him being like "lol what?" and haven't heard back. That was a day or so ago.

Aaand don't forget the sex solicitors. Luckily I've only encountered two who were openly pursuing a "casual encounter" as OkCupid calls it. Yes, yes, I know my profile says I am looking for that, but that doesn't mean I'm looking for someone to say "Meet me at 3:30 for a roll in the hay." It just means if I met someone who was cute, smart and funny, I'd probably boink them. I mean, just because someone puts they're looking for long-term dating doesn't mean they're going to attach themselves to the first person that messages them.

"I can be your cowgirl"

Okay, remember 28 year old local guy? For lack of confusion, let's call him Nate. Well Nate here hasn't messaged me back. I replied to his message and we had what I thought was a fairly succesful subsequent set of e-mails. They went something like this:

Me: You write gonzo journalism? Examples?

Nate: Okay, I exaggerated a bit. More New Journalism. Close to P.J. O'Rourke than Hunter S. Thompson (I am bruise easily). I would send an example but I can't really do attachments through this site and I am not sure how secure it is (I am a bit paranoid about tech stuff and my writing). If it were up to me I would using a type-writer, but everyone wants e-submissions now.

followed 12 minutes later by...

Nate: Well, I just looked at your profile. Oh my. Not only was I not turned off by what was on it (I swear I noticed your hair first), I do indeed enjoy Chaucer and can read it in the original. Looks like I made the right call. :)

Me: Hahahahaha I'm taking Chaucer in Middle English right now and my prof makes us read outloud but I am scareeeeeeeed.

That was yesterday afternoon. He hasn't replied and I know he's not only been online, but visited my profile. Go figure.

I guess I shouldn't mind that much. I'm meeting boys online at an exponentially faster rate than I do in real life. Just yesterday I had three IMs. THREE!

The first just wanted sex, and asked me if I was a "good girl". He didn't notice he lived several hours away in America I guess. And...was definately not my type. Pervert.

The second was a cowboy! Okay not actually, just in one of his pictures. He says he dresses up as a cowboy for special occasions. I had a good, long conversation with him. He was cute, didn't seem creepy or stalkery and, did I mention? ALSO lives in America! Washington. Not that far but, come on, who's going to travel trans-country to meet someone they met online? Not me. Oh Mr. Cowboy, how sad you make me.

The third was just some weird little dude who wanted us to ask eachother "random questions." His first question to me? Do you take long showers? Umm...either you're naive beyond infinity or I can see where this is going. No thanks.

So really, truly, unfortunately, after three days or so on OkCupid there is still no potential romance in my horizons. In fact, there isn't even a potential first date, damn.

I almost wish they didn't make you upload photos. So often I'm reading a profile going wow this guy sounds great, then I see him. I have three automatic turn-offs. Really, super dorky to the extreme, over-the-edge gangsterness, and big and hairy. I've just described most of the people on OkCupid.

It would be an interesting experiment to meet someone's personality first, before seeing their face. I mean, that's the part you're supposed to fall for, right? Blind people do it all the time. Do yo think it's possible to fall in love with someone without seeing them, meet them and discover they are hideously ugly, and have them still look beautiful to you because you love them? Who knows, but I feel I am missing out on a lot of interesting people because of my visual biases.

"I'm not going to put busty..."

"What are three adjectives that describe me?" I asked my coworkers as I browsed down OkCupid's extensive list of profile questions.

"Mm how about vivacious?" replied Kennedy.

"I still need two more," I whined. Describing yourself in three adjectives was an unpleasant task. I mean, ideally I would have said brilliant or something, but then you just come off as pretentious.

"Busty!" called Jen from the corner. The worst part was, she was being serious. I quickly scrolled down to "What is the first thing people notice about you?" and typed in "My boobs."

And that was how I got started on my first ever dating site. Kind of.

It actually all started when my roommate and her boyfriend broke up. We were trying to find her a rebound (yeah, good friends, I know) and decided to sign her on to an online dating site. The first one wasn't OkCupid, it was eHarmony.

For anyone other than nice conservative Christian boys and girls, eHarmony is an epic FAIL. For one, it only offers the choice of male seeking female or female seeking male. That is a big WTF?! I mean, come on, it's freakin' 2009. Gay people can even GET MARRIED in most places. Geeze eHarmony.

It didn't get better. The match questions just made you feel like a bad person either only letting you choose between extremes or picking on tiny things that EVERYONE must do like "Have you ever had a bad thought" or "Have you ever took a fleeting glance at someone other than your lifemate?" I might be exxagerating a little here, but it was bad.

Definately not the place for my slightly kinky roommate with Wiccan tendencies. Moving on.

We went to OkCupid next and had a much nicer experience. There was room for a little bit of fun, a little bit of sin. I signed up too, just because taking the tests looked like fun. She messaged a few guys and I went away on a conference and forgot I ever signed up.

Then a day or so after I got home I was checking my junkmail, and I already had messages from OkCupid users! Got to admit it was a little bit of an ego boost. So, out of curiousity (I swear, it was all out of curiousity) I logged back in to check these guys out.

Intrigued by who these people were and why they are using online dating sites (which I always thought were for desperate losers) I made myself a profile (The site told me I'd get more responses that way). I added pictures because in OkCupid you don't show up on search without them, and I answered several questions about myself instead of writing articles for the school paper where I work.

The first message I got was from a 28 year old local guy. A little old for me but okay. I can't show you his exact message because it would reveal my username (and I don't want all ya'll hunting me down on OkCupid) but he basically asked me to tell him about me. So I reply (I've actually replied to everyone so far because I feel bad not...) Tell him maybe, three things.

Here's his reply:

I just turned 28. I am in my last semester of my second degree in Art History (first was in Social Science) at UVic and am gunning for Law School. I have a dog (but like cats) and read and write voraciously in almost every genre and medium. My favorites are Graphic Novels and Gonzo Journalism though I dabble in may others. I have a personal library that spans three book cases.

See what's wrong with this picture? Not one question. So I haven't said anything back. However, I do know he looked at my profile today at noon, because OkCupid gives you the option of browsing openly. A lot of random people from the states have been viewing my profile too.

Even a guy from Germany wrote to me. He actually wrote to me several times, full of flattery and praise. GAG reflex. There seems to be something about online conversations that removes people's social inhibitions. It stil makes me uncomfortable but at least I know I'll never have to actually meet him in person. Although he did offer to fly to Canada and bring me tea...

I guess for shy people this is a good option. It's less personal, and you still get to incorporate that element of shallowness that we all have. For now I'm doing okay with it. Talking to people on the internet doesn't seem all that real. It's actually deciding to meet up with someone that's the scary part. That can come later, for now I'm just going to take it slooow.