I'm not cut out for this

It's true. I managed to find an excuse not to go on my date Tuesday. I went the next day.

I haven't yet been able to write about it due to unbearable feelings of guilt and awkwardness, but I'm going to suck it up now. Please be kind with me, gentle reader.

I'll start at the beginning. We agreed to meet Wednesday afternoon. I didn't have class beforehand, so I chose a coffee shop as our point of rendez-vous so I could read my book while I waited. Unfortunately, he couldn't find the coffee shop (luckily we'd exchanged numbers) so we ended up meeting randomly in the middle of the sidewalk. Great. I recognized him right away from his photos. It was weird - like a character from a novel come to life. He hugged me - I reciprocated awkwardly. I didn't know him afterall.

We were late, so we went straight to the museum which was the actual destination of our date. It closed in half an hour. He paid which, as sweet as the gesture was, made me even more uncomfortable. It made me wonder where he saw this going.

I don't really know what I was expecting, maybe not anything. But what I got was awkwardness. Not even a visible awkwardness...I'm pretty sure I was the only one feeling it. He was nice, chatty; he basically did everything that should have kept it from being awkward. But the awkwardness was still there. I didn't know him, had never met him, and was in a situation with expectations. I guess that's the purpose of a dating site, but it's really not my preferred way of doing things. It all felt too strange. I couldn't even look at the poor guy directly.

Anyways, we got through the museum before closing. I actually don't remember much now, I was moving fast, trying to stay ahead of any "date-esque" moments. Afterwards, he didn't have to go back for a while, so we wandered a bit. There was nothing wrong with him, with the activities, but I couldn't handle it. I didn't know what I was doing, what I had gotten myself into, so I did it. I did the fake "I need you text."

I had a test the next day, and had discussed the possibility of studying with a friend of mine. It was around 5 so I texted her to see if she wanted to study, hoping she would. Unfortunately, she already had. But, I lied (and I feel the need to point out here I am a terrible liar and hate doing it with a passion). I said I had to meet her at 6 to, wait for it, study GRAMMAR. It was true, the grammar part. So we walked to the bus stop. He asked if I wanted to stop for ice cream; I said I was cold. That was also true.

When we got to the bus stop, both our buses were there ready to leave so we ran to catch them, shouting goodbyes.

I have never felt more guilty in my life. Probably unjustifiably so, but I did.

He recently has asked me what I am doing on various days. I guess he thought it went well. And, truthfully, there is no reason it shouldn't have. We just didn't click. It was too strange for me, bringing an internet friend to life.

I'm hoping that this isn't going to be an across the board problem, and that if I do continue going on "dates" that it will be possible to click with someone if they're a good fit. Only time will tell and, until then, I'm stuck with these feelings of guilty awkwardness. Greeaaat.