The Essential Translation Guide to Online Dating Profiles

A profile gives us a chance to mold our image. We can create ourselves in the ideal. All our pictures are fabulous, we are well read, we are intellectual, we have lots of fun and are oh-so popular. We are polite and caring. We are the perfect date.

However, when you're browsing an online profile, you don't want to fall for some over-the-top personna on an impossible to maintain pedestal. That is why, after much strenouous research and top-secret scientific processes, I have developed The Essential Translation Guide to Online Dating Profiles.

Looks

He says he's 5'10. What he really means is he's more like 5'8. A short guy will give himself a few extra inches and hope either a) you won't notice or b) you won't care if you ever meet in person. If he's actually 5'10 he'd probably bump it up to 5'11 or even 6'.

She says she has a few extra pounds. Sure, she's a few extra pounds if a few means 20. If someone's actually a few pounds overweight, they're going to put "average" under body type. Interestingly enough they are probably less-than-average, according to Stats Can, which reports the average Canadian woman to be 5'3 and 152 pounds. That's a Body Mass Index of 26.9, with 25 being overweight. "Athletic" either means I'm butch or I don't have a super model body but I play a lot of sports. "Skinny" or "Slim" is probably the most accurate category.

He or she says a picture is available upon request. Okay not to be shallow but you should probably turn tail and run! If someone is unwilling to post a picture it is probably either because they are so horrifically ugly that there only chance is to make you fall so in love with their personality that you'd be willing to wear a blindfold the rest of your life, or they are an escaped convict.

He has shirtless pictures or she's in her bikini. This person is either incredibly vain or incredibly insecure. Either way, they are only suitable for someone too dense to get annoyed by it, or someone just looking to get laid.

About Me

Occupation: Prefer not to disclose. I'm a janitor, work at McDonalds, or some other profession that won't get me laid.

She's looking for a man who can handle/keep up with her. She's a drama queen bitch. Only suitable for the biggest of pushovers.

He or she is easy going or laid back. This person is too lazy to care. Or stoned.

She is looking to have fun. She's a sl*t. If you want some action, message her. Use protection.

He says he is looking for a nice girl. He's had trouble with the ladies in the past. They are mean to him. He was probably the nerd in highschool.

He says he enjoys "guys nights". This guy gets drunk with his buddies ALL. THE. TIME. They probably play Centurion and burp out the Hockey Night in Canada theme song.

Looking for
Long term dating. This person has wedding bells ringing in their ears. They probably don't put out till after marriage either.

Short term dating. This person wants to see who is out there. They are more looking to meet people than to find a relationship, but probably aren't opposed to the idea.

Casual dating. I want to get laid, but by the kind of person who would be turned off if I put casual encounters/sex partners.

Casual encounters/Sex partners. I want to get laid and I don't care by who. Please just fuck me.

Friends. Now here's an interesting one. It could be true, but not likely. If it is the person either can't make friends in the real world or is new in town. It could also be a round-about way of saying sex. Or, especially if it's a guy, that person is in the closet.



Watch this video by Love U for an entertaining take on profile translation, and to really see what you might be getting yourself into.

Wanted: Sexxi grl 4 gud timz

In the previous post, "Everybody's Doing it," I mentioned some reasons that online dating sites might be growing so rapidly. One of these was that some of the stigma surrounding online dating was dissipating, that it wasn't just for "weirdos" anymore.

While I am sure that there are many nice people with great dating potential on these sites, I have yet to find one.

Surely not all of Online Dating Magazine's estimated 20 million daters can be undatable. Unfortunately, the magazine fails to say where these daters are. Are they worldwide? Are they just in America or North America? Who knows. Does it matter? Locally there are still hundreds of matches to choose from. I've had contact with several of them.

The majority of user messages are the typical "Hey Baby, wanna meet up some time? *wink wink*" sort. They don't understand the different between online dating and a sex partner resource guide. While they probably don't make up the actual majority of users, the frequency of their messages could lead you to think they do.

These users are easily spotted. And don't think just because you're on a nice, regulated pay site that you are safe. Please note the following user profile from ChristianMingle:

"im a handsum young meh n really attractive n looking for a sexi woman"

The second most common type of message is along the lines of "Hi, I looked at your profile. You look nice. I like x, y and z too. Drop me a message if you want to chat sometime :-)" These are okay and you know they bothered to take the time time to at least read your profile. However, they send out several of these sorts of messages. They are the trollers. Yes, they are looking for a date and they are going to cast a wide net (haha to anyone in co-op). You probably won't have a lot of luck making meaningful conversation with the trollers.

Then there are the truly interesting messages. These people are nice, full of personality, and seem to be actually interested in what you have to say. They share your interests. Talking to them is easy. Long messages are exhanged back and forth.

Then comes the "and this one time my depression was so bad that I took a knife and..." Okay whoa. Stop right there. I'm not saying that people with depression are pariahas and don't deserve love just like the rest of us, but it's not something I feel equipped to deal with. I'm not a patient person, and sometimes I can be a less than understanding person, and I know it. I'm unstable enough myself as it is; I need someone stable!

There are various other reasons that potential matches are deemed undatable. An innability to spell, for example. An attempt to convert me to their religion. The fact they hate animals. A disrespect for any of the things I am passionate about. An obessesion with D&D or anime. Maybe these things don't make the person weird, per se, but they make them incompatible with me. Hence why I can't find any suitable candidates.

The ones I do actually like always seem to drift off after a while. They probably think people who online date are weird too.

I don't get it, because I know people who online date who I consider to be perfectly datable, yet all I manage to draw in are people who are so far off from what I am looking for, or are clearly perverts.

Here is an example of a typical online dater:




Maybe it's because OkCupid is a little quirky. More likely, however, is that it's my profile. So here are a few selections from my profile for your amusement and judgement. Please, please let me know if I am asking for it.

My self-summary

I am a third year UVic student. My coworker is currently telling me I am incredibly motivated and I like to have fun and enjoy long walks on the beach and romantic comedies curled up on the couch. But really, truly I promise I'm not that cliche. And no where near that motivated.

I am charismatic like a car crash you can't look away from.

I take English and Writing and I loooove Chaucer and John Donne. Call me nerdy, I don't care. Better a lit nerd than an anime geek.

I love the ocean. I kind of want to marry it. I have a longstanding arguement with a friend of mine over whether or not the ocean is male or female, but I'd marry it regardless.

Oh, and I have verbal, or written in this case, diarhhea. Yes, I am still talking. No, I probably shouldn't be.

I'm really good at

Telling you what to do. Seriously, listen to me. I also think I'm pretty good at typing. And tickling. And falling asleep in class. I apparently also make a good kitten chair, as my kitty regularily sits on my back when I'm lying down.

You should message me if

You haven't yet been turned off by the previous information or if Chaucer gives you a boner.

Or, this might be even more important, if you like tea. Especially Earl Grey. Not Chai.

"Everybody's doing it"

"Guess who messaged me on PoF (Plenty of Fish)," my friend Jordan IM'd me.

"Who," I said, not wanting to play the guessing game. I couldn't think of any single guys we both knew.

She sent me a link. I clicked on it and was brought to the dating profile of our Residence Advisor from first year. Awkward. He'd been notorious for his ...dalliances... with the ladies. We even knew his sex song: Dani California by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I never thought he'd need an online dating site. But it made me curious - who IS on these sites? I typed in some quick search parametres: lives in Victoria, 20-24, attends university.

One of the first search results was my old roommate. Then a friend of a friend I recognized from several parties. Another friend of mine who was SO shy that it was quite the shock to find her putting herself out there in a dating environment.

On OKCupid I've wandered across a friend of mine, his girlfriend, one of my coworkers, and even got creeped by my ex-roommate, which was slightly disconcerting.

All this has led me to one conclusion. Everybody's doing it. (Well not everybody obviously but pretty damn close. You know what I mean). And here I thought I was the only one...

In 2007, in fact, Online Dating Magazine estimated that 20 million people visit at least one dating site once a month.

Plenty of Fish is one of the few free sites to rank with the paid sites on a numbers basis in North America. Markus Frind, the owner/creator/designer/everything man of PoF only keeps track of his active users, which amounted to anywhere between 250,000 and 320,000 user log-ins per day in 2006. PoF's September active user base in 2006 grew 290 per cent from September 2005.

I can only imagine these numbers have increased over the past few years. Most of the people I've run into on dating sites weren't there two years ago.

Which leaves the question: Why have all these people made the recent leap into cyber romance? I see a few possibilities. Maybe, in this digital world, making a cyber connection is faster and easier than one in the "real world." Or perhaps once one person signs up, ten of their friends who previously thought cyber dating was "weird" or "only for pimply-faced basement WoW losers" realize that maybe it's okay after all. Or, finally, is it possible that maybe these sites are just that succesful?

Online Dating Magazine would have you thinking the latter. They touted that more than 120,000 marriages a year are a result of online dating. PoF estimates that its users will go on more than 18 million dates with other users this year. With nearly one million users, that's roughly 18 dates a year per user.

But wait, is 18 dates really a success? If that's 18 first dates I' m going to have to go with no. That would suggest matching is very unsuccesful. 120,000 marriages out of 20 milion users is less than one per cent.

The problem is, you see, you still have to do the weeding. Sure, his profile looks great, he's fun to talk to, but in the end it all comes down to whether or not you click in person. And that means a lot of first dates. Online dating definately gives you wider access to potential love partners in your area, but it doesn't increase your likelihood of clicking with an individual person.

I'm not saying don't give it a try. It's fun to do, there are lots of interesting people, and we've all heard those success stories. I'm just saying that, while you can probably expect to go on more dates once you join the cyber world, finding Mr. or Miss. Right can't be left up to a mathematical matching system or a 500 word profile.