I'm not cut out for this

It's true. I managed to find an excuse not to go on my date Tuesday. I went the next day.

I haven't yet been able to write about it due to unbearable feelings of guilt and awkwardness, but I'm going to suck it up now. Please be kind with me, gentle reader.

I'll start at the beginning. We agreed to meet Wednesday afternoon. I didn't have class beforehand, so I chose a coffee shop as our point of rendez-vous so I could read my book while I waited. Unfortunately, he couldn't find the coffee shop (luckily we'd exchanged numbers) so we ended up meeting randomly in the middle of the sidewalk. Great. I recognized him right away from his photos. It was weird - like a character from a novel come to life. He hugged me - I reciprocated awkwardly. I didn't know him afterall.

We were late, so we went straight to the museum which was the actual destination of our date. It closed in half an hour. He paid which, as sweet as the gesture was, made me even more uncomfortable. It made me wonder where he saw this going.

I don't really know what I was expecting, maybe not anything. But what I got was awkwardness. Not even a visible awkwardness...I'm pretty sure I was the only one feeling it. He was nice, chatty; he basically did everything that should have kept it from being awkward. But the awkwardness was still there. I didn't know him, had never met him, and was in a situation with expectations. I guess that's the purpose of a dating site, but it's really not my preferred way of doing things. It all felt too strange. I couldn't even look at the poor guy directly.

Anyways, we got through the museum before closing. I actually don't remember much now, I was moving fast, trying to stay ahead of any "date-esque" moments. Afterwards, he didn't have to go back for a while, so we wandered a bit. There was nothing wrong with him, with the activities, but I couldn't handle it. I didn't know what I was doing, what I had gotten myself into, so I did it. I did the fake "I need you text."

I had a test the next day, and had discussed the possibility of studying with a friend of mine. It was around 5 so I texted her to see if she wanted to study, hoping she would. Unfortunately, she already had. But, I lied (and I feel the need to point out here I am a terrible liar and hate doing it with a passion). I said I had to meet her at 6 to, wait for it, study GRAMMAR. It was true, the grammar part. So we walked to the bus stop. He asked if I wanted to stop for ice cream; I said I was cold. That was also true.

When we got to the bus stop, both our buses were there ready to leave so we ran to catch them, shouting goodbyes.

I have never felt more guilty in my life. Probably unjustifiably so, but I did.

He recently has asked me what I am doing on various days. I guess he thought it went well. And, truthfully, there is no reason it shouldn't have. We just didn't click. It was too strange for me, bringing an internet friend to life.

I'm hoping that this isn't going to be an across the board problem, and that if I do continue going on "dates" that it will be possible to click with someone if they're a good fit. Only time will tell and, until then, I'm stuck with these feelings of guilty awkwardness. Greeaaat.

"It's just a date"

Sooo, remember a couple posts back when I said that one of my "matches" wanted to meet me for coffee?

Yup, stilllll haven't done it. We are supposed to meet this Tuesday. I'm sure I'll find an excuse not to. And the weird part is, it's not because I'm worried about him.

He's nice. He's cute. He really wants to meet up. He even sings to me over msn. He has a lot of the same interests I do, especially academically.

I'm terrified.

I'm terrified that, once we meet in person, he won't like me. I'm terrified that he'll have all these expectations after reading my profile. I'm terrified I'll disapoint.

I really like talking to him. He really likes talking to me. But that's online. People are different online whether they intend to be or not, because it's a reflection. It's a translation. It's a mutation. Sometimes people come across worse, and meeting them is a delightful surprise. More often than not, however, that gorgeous interesting person from the internet is rather plain and awkward in real life.

I'm terrified of awkwardness. I'm terrified by how much he enjoys talking to me. He's building me up in his mind. I don't want to be built up. I don't want to have to live up to someone's idealization.

I was relaying my fears to my best friend and she told me to relax.

"It's just a date," she said.

Just a date. I hadn't thought about it before, but I don't think I've actually GONE on a date-date before. My last boyfriend took me on dates, but we were already going out, so that doesn't really count. I've never had that first date experience, where you're just getting to know someone. Where you're nervous and excited.

I'm terrified by "just a date."

I'm terrified by the fact I actually want to go. I'm terrified by the fact I might actually like someone I met online. It wasn't really supposed to happen. I wasn't really supposed to care.

But he's nice. We get along. He's not one of those pervs whose conversations you read with a mix of disbelief and stifled giggles.

I'll probably do it eventually. I'll probably go. I don't want to, but I will. Partly for you, and partly for me. Mostly for me, because I need to stop being such a wuss.

But, what do I wear?

I attract la creme de la creme

Okay guys,

What started off as a seemingly innocent message quickly turned into something much more sinister. This guy amazed me with his lack of ability to read signals, so please forgive me if I did toy with him in places.

His first message:

So I don't really know what to write in here but here it goes. I'm from SW Ontario, and recently arrived here to Vic, and I study law here at UVic. Probably going to wind up being a lawyer when I graduate, but I definitely won't become one of those lawyers with the big salaries and no time. Work/Life balance is important to me. Main reason I got into law is so I can make a decent income and not have to worry about long hours of work. I'm busy with school, but have enough time to have a good balance and quite a bit of fun in my life. Since you were a student I assume we have similar lifestyles and responsibilities so its probably not a bad place to start. Hope to hear back.

A

Sounds nice, right? He's not very attractive but his profile reads well and I decide not to be shallow. So I reply:

Hey,

So do you always message people you're a 37% match with lol? I can't decide how much value to put in these match percentages...what are your opinions on that?

His answer seems innocent enough:

On my side good percentage points are a good thing, and bad percentage points don't really mean anything. I don't take any tests unless I have to, which is why i scored low and don't have any awards.

As for me, I read your profile, saw your awards, and your interests, and figured we have much in common.

How does that sound to you?

Until you read between the lines:

Lol I know what my awards say and that they do tend to attract attention...what exactly did you find we had in common?

(OkCupid has given me the honour of a "More Kinky" and a "More Desiring of Sex" award, as you will see).
He cuts to the chase pretty quick:

We're both cat owners, students, laid back and easy going. I like kink, sex, and as a whole easy going about both of those subject matters which is what brought you to my attention.

Okay so maybe I lead him on a titch here, but I couldn't resist asking:

Haha you like sex?? Yup we have that in common, along with a good hunk of the population :P

Yes I love my kitten. :-) She's fantastic. I'm not sure if I'm always laid back though....

What sort of "kink" do you like?

He really doesn't mince words:

I like adventure in the bedroom, in a sense somebody that is open to trying different things if only once (as long as they are comfortable of course). I'm a big fan of toys, dressing up, and different entry points. Haven't tried bondage but keen to do that some time. What about you?

My oh my. Pft, that's not even that kinky but whatever. Toys aren't kinky - they're toys. And different entry points....if that means what I think it does....isn't "kinky" either. But whatever.

Now you get to learn something about me. I considered editing it out but that's not fair when I'm baring his kinks now is it. Actually...it is slightly edited to preserve someone's privacy who is not me and not my messenger. But don't worry, nothing about me is hidden from you, oh loyal readers.

Shh don't tell:

Oh I'm not actually that exciting. OkCupid just thinks I am. I have toys but that's only because of my job. I like biting. And hair tugging. Maybe slapping if we're really into it.

I didn't really think any of that said specifically, "I want to have sex with you." I mean, I told him I'm not exciting!
But he still is interested for some reason:
Ahh that is pretty cool. Biting, hair tugging, and slapping is pretty feisty if you ask me. For me that isn't really too kinky, more of a feisty raw animal hunger - still pretty sexy.

BTW do you have your IM turned on? We could chat for a bit.

I don't WANT to chat:

My IM is kind of fail. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I'm not really sure why.

But I am going to bed as soon as my cookies are done anyways :P

Actually, my chat just won't let people matched under 60 per cent IM me. But I didn't want to tell him that. Then he might want me to change it. Or IM him.

I thought telling him I was going to bed was a pretty good hint. I guess I shouldn't have used the :P face, but I felt really harsh otherwise. Telling him my IM doesn't work should have been a hint too...

He doesn't seem to get the message:

OK good to know about the IM, thanks.

So out of curiosity do you have multiple partners at the same time, or are you a one partner at a time type of person?

Omg WTF. Do you usually ask that of someone you just started talking to that night?

This is about the point I started to humour him:

Depends what you mean by partner. Relationship wise, just one.

I wonder what he's getting at:
LOL I'm referring to an intimate partner here. Do you like meeting new partners or do you usually settle with the same people from a circle of friends.

I answer straight up:

Ive been sleeping with the same person for quite a while, but during that time I've slept with another boy and two other girls.

He just keeps getting better:

OH OK. Are your interactions with the other people seperate from your partner or do they occur at the same time (ie threesome). As for me I have done a bunch of 3somes with a former

Okay this definately doesn't encourage, right:

Um, once or twice was with him involved... I dont really like threesomes tho.

Have you noticed he sounds like he's talking about the weather:

Thats what i was asking. Though i have had a few 3somes, my partner and I favored that we both just have it independently of one another. I find that it is less stressful when its only 2 people rather than having a 3rd person that could just be sitting there watching, and you start concerning yourself with what they are thinking. Is that how you feel?

And I answer contrary to him again:

No I just feel it works better one on one. It's more direct, and easier to make a connection. Plus, I dont like to share.

But he still doesn't get it:

This conversation is getting pretty interesting. Have you ever been intimate with somebody online? I've done it before 2x with the same person.

I probably should have been more upfront about the fact I wasn't interested, but I thought going to bed got the message across.

Again, maybe no smiley face would have been good:

No that doesnt realy appeal to me. neither doesthe phone. anyways its my bedtime, work tomorrow :-) nighty night

This is where it gets narsty:

Hmm i suppose you missed my point on that one, i meant meet somebody in person. The phone, computer, all these things don't appeal to me either. Its the real thing i was asking about

And then:

I was wondering are you ever on campus?

I am sorry but WHEN did I give the impression I wanted to meet him???? Just by answering? Yeesh you can't even be polite these days.

I don't learn my lesson, or maybe I am just too amused by him. I really don't want to try and figure out my motivations for responding, because they are probably evil.

Regardless, I did:

Oh, then you probably said intimate with someone you met online. And that would be a no.

And yes of course I am on campus on occasion, I am taking a full course load. Might be kinda hard to do that from home...

He's either clueless or persistent. Note, he didn't even ask if I WANTED to meet him, just if I was free.

Watch:

yeah that was my question, if you've been intimate with anybody you have met online.
I have lunch breaks for 12:30 - 1"30 Wed and Thursdays, areyou free during that time?

This is true:

No lol I dont even have class on Weds! And then Thurs I do ALLL day

You still think he'd stop:

What about Mondays?

Again:

monday schedule is the same as thurs , thats usually how the uni rolls for undergrads

Maybe he gets it? :

Hmm well whatever we shouldn't rush a meeting or something now, we can take care of such issues later. I'm on campus all the time so i am sure we can work something out.

Any interesting weekend plans or anything? BTW do you live at your folks or do you have your own place here in Vic?

We shouldn't rush a meeting...When the fuck did I ever say I wanted one? What did he know about me when he tried to get one? That I had a cat? Awesome. So I guess he's some kind of narcissistic uber chauvanist who just assumes all girls want to meet him. God he's not even attractive. He keeps messaging me, but that's the most interesting of it. It's reallly, really hard to resist the temptation to mess with him when he acts like that though...