The Essential Translation Guide to Online Dating Profiles

A profile gives us a chance to mold our image. We can create ourselves in the ideal. All our pictures are fabulous, we are well read, we are intellectual, we have lots of fun and are oh-so popular. We are polite and caring. We are the perfect date.

However, when you're browsing an online profile, you don't want to fall for some over-the-top personna on an impossible to maintain pedestal. That is why, after much strenouous research and top-secret scientific processes, I have developed The Essential Translation Guide to Online Dating Profiles.

Looks

He says he's 5'10. What he really means is he's more like 5'8. A short guy will give himself a few extra inches and hope either a) you won't notice or b) you won't care if you ever meet in person. If he's actually 5'10 he'd probably bump it up to 5'11 or even 6'.

She says she has a few extra pounds. Sure, she's a few extra pounds if a few means 20. If someone's actually a few pounds overweight, they're going to put "average" under body type. Interestingly enough they are probably less-than-average, according to Stats Can, which reports the average Canadian woman to be 5'3 and 152 pounds. That's a Body Mass Index of 26.9, with 25 being overweight. "Athletic" either means I'm butch or I don't have a super model body but I play a lot of sports. "Skinny" or "Slim" is probably the most accurate category.

He or she says a picture is available upon request. Okay not to be shallow but you should probably turn tail and run! If someone is unwilling to post a picture it is probably either because they are so horrifically ugly that there only chance is to make you fall so in love with their personality that you'd be willing to wear a blindfold the rest of your life, or they are an escaped convict.

He has shirtless pictures or she's in her bikini. This person is either incredibly vain or incredibly insecure. Either way, they are only suitable for someone too dense to get annoyed by it, or someone just looking to get laid.

About Me

Occupation: Prefer not to disclose. I'm a janitor, work at McDonalds, or some other profession that won't get me laid.

She's looking for a man who can handle/keep up with her. She's a drama queen bitch. Only suitable for the biggest of pushovers.

He or she is easy going or laid back. This person is too lazy to care. Or stoned.

She is looking to have fun. She's a sl*t. If you want some action, message her. Use protection.

He says he is looking for a nice girl. He's had trouble with the ladies in the past. They are mean to him. He was probably the nerd in highschool.

He says he enjoys "guys nights". This guy gets drunk with his buddies ALL. THE. TIME. They probably play Centurion and burp out the Hockey Night in Canada theme song.

Looking for
Long term dating. This person has wedding bells ringing in their ears. They probably don't put out till after marriage either.

Short term dating. This person wants to see who is out there. They are more looking to meet people than to find a relationship, but probably aren't opposed to the idea.

Casual dating. I want to get laid, but by the kind of person who would be turned off if I put casual encounters/sex partners.

Casual encounters/Sex partners. I want to get laid and I don't care by who. Please just fuck me.

Friends. Now here's an interesting one. It could be true, but not likely. If it is the person either can't make friends in the real world or is new in town. It could also be a round-about way of saying sex. Or, especially if it's a guy, that person is in the closet.



Watch this video by Love U for an entertaining take on profile translation, and to really see what you might be getting yourself into.

Wanted: Sexxi grl 4 gud timz

In the previous post, "Everybody's Doing it," I mentioned some reasons that online dating sites might be growing so rapidly. One of these was that some of the stigma surrounding online dating was dissipating, that it wasn't just for "weirdos" anymore.

While I am sure that there are many nice people with great dating potential on these sites, I have yet to find one.

Surely not all of Online Dating Magazine's estimated 20 million daters can be undatable. Unfortunately, the magazine fails to say where these daters are. Are they worldwide? Are they just in America or North America? Who knows. Does it matter? Locally there are still hundreds of matches to choose from. I've had contact with several of them.

The majority of user messages are the typical "Hey Baby, wanna meet up some time? *wink wink*" sort. They don't understand the different between online dating and a sex partner resource guide. While they probably don't make up the actual majority of users, the frequency of their messages could lead you to think they do.

These users are easily spotted. And don't think just because you're on a nice, regulated pay site that you are safe. Please note the following user profile from ChristianMingle:

"im a handsum young meh n really attractive n looking for a sexi woman"

The second most common type of message is along the lines of "Hi, I looked at your profile. You look nice. I like x, y and z too. Drop me a message if you want to chat sometime :-)" These are okay and you know they bothered to take the time time to at least read your profile. However, they send out several of these sorts of messages. They are the trollers. Yes, they are looking for a date and they are going to cast a wide net (haha to anyone in co-op). You probably won't have a lot of luck making meaningful conversation with the trollers.

Then there are the truly interesting messages. These people are nice, full of personality, and seem to be actually interested in what you have to say. They share your interests. Talking to them is easy. Long messages are exhanged back and forth.

Then comes the "and this one time my depression was so bad that I took a knife and..." Okay whoa. Stop right there. I'm not saying that people with depression are pariahas and don't deserve love just like the rest of us, but it's not something I feel equipped to deal with. I'm not a patient person, and sometimes I can be a less than understanding person, and I know it. I'm unstable enough myself as it is; I need someone stable!

There are various other reasons that potential matches are deemed undatable. An innability to spell, for example. An attempt to convert me to their religion. The fact they hate animals. A disrespect for any of the things I am passionate about. An obessesion with D&D or anime. Maybe these things don't make the person weird, per se, but they make them incompatible with me. Hence why I can't find any suitable candidates.

The ones I do actually like always seem to drift off after a while. They probably think people who online date are weird too.

I don't get it, because I know people who online date who I consider to be perfectly datable, yet all I manage to draw in are people who are so far off from what I am looking for, or are clearly perverts.

Here is an example of a typical online dater:




Maybe it's because OkCupid is a little quirky. More likely, however, is that it's my profile. So here are a few selections from my profile for your amusement and judgement. Please, please let me know if I am asking for it.

My self-summary

I am a third year UVic student. My coworker is currently telling me I am incredibly motivated and I like to have fun and enjoy long walks on the beach and romantic comedies curled up on the couch. But really, truly I promise I'm not that cliche. And no where near that motivated.

I am charismatic like a car crash you can't look away from.

I take English and Writing and I loooove Chaucer and John Donne. Call me nerdy, I don't care. Better a lit nerd than an anime geek.

I love the ocean. I kind of want to marry it. I have a longstanding arguement with a friend of mine over whether or not the ocean is male or female, but I'd marry it regardless.

Oh, and I have verbal, or written in this case, diarhhea. Yes, I am still talking. No, I probably shouldn't be.

I'm really good at

Telling you what to do. Seriously, listen to me. I also think I'm pretty good at typing. And tickling. And falling asleep in class. I apparently also make a good kitten chair, as my kitty regularily sits on my back when I'm lying down.

You should message me if

You haven't yet been turned off by the previous information or if Chaucer gives you a boner.

Or, this might be even more important, if you like tea. Especially Earl Grey. Not Chai.

"Everybody's doing it"

"Guess who messaged me on PoF (Plenty of Fish)," my friend Jordan IM'd me.

"Who," I said, not wanting to play the guessing game. I couldn't think of any single guys we both knew.

She sent me a link. I clicked on it and was brought to the dating profile of our Residence Advisor from first year. Awkward. He'd been notorious for his ...dalliances... with the ladies. We even knew his sex song: Dani California by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I never thought he'd need an online dating site. But it made me curious - who IS on these sites? I typed in some quick search parametres: lives in Victoria, 20-24, attends university.

One of the first search results was my old roommate. Then a friend of a friend I recognized from several parties. Another friend of mine who was SO shy that it was quite the shock to find her putting herself out there in a dating environment.

On OKCupid I've wandered across a friend of mine, his girlfriend, one of my coworkers, and even got creeped by my ex-roommate, which was slightly disconcerting.

All this has led me to one conclusion. Everybody's doing it. (Well not everybody obviously but pretty damn close. You know what I mean). And here I thought I was the only one...

In 2007, in fact, Online Dating Magazine estimated that 20 million people visit at least one dating site once a month.

Plenty of Fish is one of the few free sites to rank with the paid sites on a numbers basis in North America. Markus Frind, the owner/creator/designer/everything man of PoF only keeps track of his active users, which amounted to anywhere between 250,000 and 320,000 user log-ins per day in 2006. PoF's September active user base in 2006 grew 290 per cent from September 2005.

I can only imagine these numbers have increased over the past few years. Most of the people I've run into on dating sites weren't there two years ago.

Which leaves the question: Why have all these people made the recent leap into cyber romance? I see a few possibilities. Maybe, in this digital world, making a cyber connection is faster and easier than one in the "real world." Or perhaps once one person signs up, ten of their friends who previously thought cyber dating was "weird" or "only for pimply-faced basement WoW losers" realize that maybe it's okay after all. Or, finally, is it possible that maybe these sites are just that succesful?

Online Dating Magazine would have you thinking the latter. They touted that more than 120,000 marriages a year are a result of online dating. PoF estimates that its users will go on more than 18 million dates with other users this year. With nearly one million users, that's roughly 18 dates a year per user.

But wait, is 18 dates really a success? If that's 18 first dates I' m going to have to go with no. That would suggest matching is very unsuccesful. 120,000 marriages out of 20 milion users is less than one per cent.

The problem is, you see, you still have to do the weeding. Sure, his profile looks great, he's fun to talk to, but in the end it all comes down to whether or not you click in person. And that means a lot of first dates. Online dating definately gives you wider access to potential love partners in your area, but it doesn't increase your likelihood of clicking with an individual person.

I'm not saying don't give it a try. It's fun to do, there are lots of interesting people, and we've all heard those success stories. I'm just saying that, while you can probably expect to go on more dates once you join the cyber world, finding Mr. or Miss. Right can't be left up to a mathematical matching system or a 500 word profile.

I'm not cut out for this

It's true. I managed to find an excuse not to go on my date Tuesday. I went the next day.

I haven't yet been able to write about it due to unbearable feelings of guilt and awkwardness, but I'm going to suck it up now. Please be kind with me, gentle reader.

I'll start at the beginning. We agreed to meet Wednesday afternoon. I didn't have class beforehand, so I chose a coffee shop as our point of rendez-vous so I could read my book while I waited. Unfortunately, he couldn't find the coffee shop (luckily we'd exchanged numbers) so we ended up meeting randomly in the middle of the sidewalk. Great. I recognized him right away from his photos. It was weird - like a character from a novel come to life. He hugged me - I reciprocated awkwardly. I didn't know him afterall.

We were late, so we went straight to the museum which was the actual destination of our date. It closed in half an hour. He paid which, as sweet as the gesture was, made me even more uncomfortable. It made me wonder where he saw this going.

I don't really know what I was expecting, maybe not anything. But what I got was awkwardness. Not even a visible awkwardness...I'm pretty sure I was the only one feeling it. He was nice, chatty; he basically did everything that should have kept it from being awkward. But the awkwardness was still there. I didn't know him, had never met him, and was in a situation with expectations. I guess that's the purpose of a dating site, but it's really not my preferred way of doing things. It all felt too strange. I couldn't even look at the poor guy directly.

Anyways, we got through the museum before closing. I actually don't remember much now, I was moving fast, trying to stay ahead of any "date-esque" moments. Afterwards, he didn't have to go back for a while, so we wandered a bit. There was nothing wrong with him, with the activities, but I couldn't handle it. I didn't know what I was doing, what I had gotten myself into, so I did it. I did the fake "I need you text."

I had a test the next day, and had discussed the possibility of studying with a friend of mine. It was around 5 so I texted her to see if she wanted to study, hoping she would. Unfortunately, she already had. But, I lied (and I feel the need to point out here I am a terrible liar and hate doing it with a passion). I said I had to meet her at 6 to, wait for it, study GRAMMAR. It was true, the grammar part. So we walked to the bus stop. He asked if I wanted to stop for ice cream; I said I was cold. That was also true.

When we got to the bus stop, both our buses were there ready to leave so we ran to catch them, shouting goodbyes.

I have never felt more guilty in my life. Probably unjustifiably so, but I did.

He recently has asked me what I am doing on various days. I guess he thought it went well. And, truthfully, there is no reason it shouldn't have. We just didn't click. It was too strange for me, bringing an internet friend to life.

I'm hoping that this isn't going to be an across the board problem, and that if I do continue going on "dates" that it will be possible to click with someone if they're a good fit. Only time will tell and, until then, I'm stuck with these feelings of guilty awkwardness. Greeaaat.

"It's just a date"

Sooo, remember a couple posts back when I said that one of my "matches" wanted to meet me for coffee?

Yup, stilllll haven't done it. We are supposed to meet this Tuesday. I'm sure I'll find an excuse not to. And the weird part is, it's not because I'm worried about him.

He's nice. He's cute. He really wants to meet up. He even sings to me over msn. He has a lot of the same interests I do, especially academically.

I'm terrified.

I'm terrified that, once we meet in person, he won't like me. I'm terrified that he'll have all these expectations after reading my profile. I'm terrified I'll disapoint.

I really like talking to him. He really likes talking to me. But that's online. People are different online whether they intend to be or not, because it's a reflection. It's a translation. It's a mutation. Sometimes people come across worse, and meeting them is a delightful surprise. More often than not, however, that gorgeous interesting person from the internet is rather plain and awkward in real life.

I'm terrified of awkwardness. I'm terrified by how much he enjoys talking to me. He's building me up in his mind. I don't want to be built up. I don't want to have to live up to someone's idealization.

I was relaying my fears to my best friend and she told me to relax.

"It's just a date," she said.

Just a date. I hadn't thought about it before, but I don't think I've actually GONE on a date-date before. My last boyfriend took me on dates, but we were already going out, so that doesn't really count. I've never had that first date experience, where you're just getting to know someone. Where you're nervous and excited.

I'm terrified by "just a date."

I'm terrified by the fact I actually want to go. I'm terrified by the fact I might actually like someone I met online. It wasn't really supposed to happen. I wasn't really supposed to care.

But he's nice. We get along. He's not one of those pervs whose conversations you read with a mix of disbelief and stifled giggles.

I'll probably do it eventually. I'll probably go. I don't want to, but I will. Partly for you, and partly for me. Mostly for me, because I need to stop being such a wuss.

But, what do I wear?

I attract la creme de la creme

Okay guys,

What started off as a seemingly innocent message quickly turned into something much more sinister. This guy amazed me with his lack of ability to read signals, so please forgive me if I did toy with him in places.

His first message:

So I don't really know what to write in here but here it goes. I'm from SW Ontario, and recently arrived here to Vic, and I study law here at UVic. Probably going to wind up being a lawyer when I graduate, but I definitely won't become one of those lawyers with the big salaries and no time. Work/Life balance is important to me. Main reason I got into law is so I can make a decent income and not have to worry about long hours of work. I'm busy with school, but have enough time to have a good balance and quite a bit of fun in my life. Since you were a student I assume we have similar lifestyles and responsibilities so its probably not a bad place to start. Hope to hear back.

A

Sounds nice, right? He's not very attractive but his profile reads well and I decide not to be shallow. So I reply:

Hey,

So do you always message people you're a 37% match with lol? I can't decide how much value to put in these match percentages...what are your opinions on that?

His answer seems innocent enough:

On my side good percentage points are a good thing, and bad percentage points don't really mean anything. I don't take any tests unless I have to, which is why i scored low and don't have any awards.

As for me, I read your profile, saw your awards, and your interests, and figured we have much in common.

How does that sound to you?

Until you read between the lines:

Lol I know what my awards say and that they do tend to attract attention...what exactly did you find we had in common?

(OkCupid has given me the honour of a "More Kinky" and a "More Desiring of Sex" award, as you will see).
He cuts to the chase pretty quick:

We're both cat owners, students, laid back and easy going. I like kink, sex, and as a whole easy going about both of those subject matters which is what brought you to my attention.

Okay so maybe I lead him on a titch here, but I couldn't resist asking:

Haha you like sex?? Yup we have that in common, along with a good hunk of the population :P

Yes I love my kitten. :-) She's fantastic. I'm not sure if I'm always laid back though....

What sort of "kink" do you like?

He really doesn't mince words:

I like adventure in the bedroom, in a sense somebody that is open to trying different things if only once (as long as they are comfortable of course). I'm a big fan of toys, dressing up, and different entry points. Haven't tried bondage but keen to do that some time. What about you?

My oh my. Pft, that's not even that kinky but whatever. Toys aren't kinky - they're toys. And different entry points....if that means what I think it does....isn't "kinky" either. But whatever.

Now you get to learn something about me. I considered editing it out but that's not fair when I'm baring his kinks now is it. Actually...it is slightly edited to preserve someone's privacy who is not me and not my messenger. But don't worry, nothing about me is hidden from you, oh loyal readers.

Shh don't tell:

Oh I'm not actually that exciting. OkCupid just thinks I am. I have toys but that's only because of my job. I like biting. And hair tugging. Maybe slapping if we're really into it.

I didn't really think any of that said specifically, "I want to have sex with you." I mean, I told him I'm not exciting!
But he still is interested for some reason:
Ahh that is pretty cool. Biting, hair tugging, and slapping is pretty feisty if you ask me. For me that isn't really too kinky, more of a feisty raw animal hunger - still pretty sexy.

BTW do you have your IM turned on? We could chat for a bit.

I don't WANT to chat:

My IM is kind of fail. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I'm not really sure why.

But I am going to bed as soon as my cookies are done anyways :P

Actually, my chat just won't let people matched under 60 per cent IM me. But I didn't want to tell him that. Then he might want me to change it. Or IM him.

I thought telling him I was going to bed was a pretty good hint. I guess I shouldn't have used the :P face, but I felt really harsh otherwise. Telling him my IM doesn't work should have been a hint too...

He doesn't seem to get the message:

OK good to know about the IM, thanks.

So out of curiosity do you have multiple partners at the same time, or are you a one partner at a time type of person?

Omg WTF. Do you usually ask that of someone you just started talking to that night?

This is about the point I started to humour him:

Depends what you mean by partner. Relationship wise, just one.

I wonder what he's getting at:
LOL I'm referring to an intimate partner here. Do you like meeting new partners or do you usually settle with the same people from a circle of friends.

I answer straight up:

Ive been sleeping with the same person for quite a while, but during that time I've slept with another boy and two other girls.

He just keeps getting better:

OH OK. Are your interactions with the other people seperate from your partner or do they occur at the same time (ie threesome). As for me I have done a bunch of 3somes with a former

Okay this definately doesn't encourage, right:

Um, once or twice was with him involved... I dont really like threesomes tho.

Have you noticed he sounds like he's talking about the weather:

Thats what i was asking. Though i have had a few 3somes, my partner and I favored that we both just have it independently of one another. I find that it is less stressful when its only 2 people rather than having a 3rd person that could just be sitting there watching, and you start concerning yourself with what they are thinking. Is that how you feel?

And I answer contrary to him again:

No I just feel it works better one on one. It's more direct, and easier to make a connection. Plus, I dont like to share.

But he still doesn't get it:

This conversation is getting pretty interesting. Have you ever been intimate with somebody online? I've done it before 2x with the same person.

I probably should have been more upfront about the fact I wasn't interested, but I thought going to bed got the message across.

Again, maybe no smiley face would have been good:

No that doesnt realy appeal to me. neither doesthe phone. anyways its my bedtime, work tomorrow :-) nighty night

This is where it gets narsty:

Hmm i suppose you missed my point on that one, i meant meet somebody in person. The phone, computer, all these things don't appeal to me either. Its the real thing i was asking about

And then:

I was wondering are you ever on campus?

I am sorry but WHEN did I give the impression I wanted to meet him???? Just by answering? Yeesh you can't even be polite these days.

I don't learn my lesson, or maybe I am just too amused by him. I really don't want to try and figure out my motivations for responding, because they are probably evil.

Regardless, I did:

Oh, then you probably said intimate with someone you met online. And that would be a no.

And yes of course I am on campus on occasion, I am taking a full course load. Might be kinda hard to do that from home...

He's either clueless or persistent. Note, he didn't even ask if I WANTED to meet him, just if I was free.

Watch:

yeah that was my question, if you've been intimate with anybody you have met online.
I have lunch breaks for 12:30 - 1"30 Wed and Thursdays, areyou free during that time?

This is true:

No lol I dont even have class on Weds! And then Thurs I do ALLL day

You still think he'd stop:

What about Mondays?

Again:

monday schedule is the same as thurs , thats usually how the uni rolls for undergrads

Maybe he gets it? :

Hmm well whatever we shouldn't rush a meeting or something now, we can take care of such issues later. I'm on campus all the time so i am sure we can work something out.

Any interesting weekend plans or anything? BTW do you live at your folks or do you have your own place here in Vic?

We shouldn't rush a meeting...When the fuck did I ever say I wanted one? What did he know about me when he tried to get one? That I had a cat? Awesome. So I guess he's some kind of narcissistic uber chauvanist who just assumes all girls want to meet him. God he's not even attractive. He keeps messaging me, but that's the most interesting of it. It's reallly, really hard to resist the temptation to mess with him when he acts like that though...

It's crunch time

Well, my 28-year-old buddy has dissapeared. Haven't talked to him in several days, his profile picture is gone; he did stalk me yesterday though. In our last conversation, if I recall correctly, I told him I was more interested in meeting women than men. It's not exactly true. Actually, it's kind of opposite from true. But oh well. It seemed appropriate at the time. Maybe that's why he ran away.

My other online buddy, the 19-year-old, wants me to meet him for coffee. I'm too chicken, but I think I need to suck it up. Although, I would rather go to the museum. That way if talking gets awkward I can pretend to be fascinated by the Wooly Mammoths.

I've had some interesting matches lately, but I haven't messaged any of them...I guess I didn't realize my very real fear of rejection would translate so strongly into the virtual world. But ever since this one girl I messaged never replied to me (and it wasn't even anything suggestive! I was just interested by something in her profile) rejection has been haunting me. Silly dating site shouldn't leave it all up to me. It should help me!

So basically, if I grow some balls you may have some fantastic interesting blog posts to read. If I don't then this whole thing has been pretty much pointless. Oh, except for the fact that my roommate is currently out introducing her online friend to our campus. Apparently they could only wait five days before meeting again. Oh the romance...